Cynical Rantings

Current Location: Here
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: OC Remixes

Anyone interested in seeing my art? I recently uploaded all my Darkroom photography work! Please check it out of you have time!

http://xxnightwalkerxx.deviantart.com/gallery/

Current Location: My head
Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: Chrismas

Sometimes, I wonder what the point of everything is. Like, why am I in school? For my parents? For me? What am I suppose to do when I graduate? Sometimes I wonder what good anything I do is. Where does it get me? I wonder sometimes, where is love going to get me? Where will it take me, in the end? Why do I worry so much about life, when life doesnt matter. Life is so short compared to eternity. Life is so pointless, if you think about it. What will it matter when you die? Will it really matter if you were pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, successful enough? In the end, none of that will matter. It wont even really matter who you loved. Everyone ends. So, why do I worry so much, about so many things that dont matter. I have had a cold since Saturday, but why do I let that bother me so much? Why do I let papers and finals scare me so much. When I die, non of that will matter. God isnt going to say "So, Ashley, how many A's did you get, how skinny were you, how did you do in your job?" No, he wont ask me those things, or make me reflect on them. So why do I let every single little thing bother me so much? Why does everything have to send me to tears? Sure, my medicine works, but it isnt a cureall. I still have days where I seriously dont understand what my purpose in life is, and where I wonder, "Wouldnt it all be better if I could just not care". People make me so angry sometimes. And its usually people I dont even know. So why does it bother me so damn much? People just, dont think, dont care, dont see. People are closed-minded, heartless, cruel, and set in thier ways. Why do I care? I really cant say. But for some reason, I worry, about everyone, and everything, and about the future. I worry about the environment, and people, even though people are just, assholes. I worry about everything, but what does it really matter? I can care until my eyeballs fall out, and it wont matter. I even try to get other people to care, about some of the things I care about, and it just isnt important to them. They think, if it isnt directly related to them, and what they want, then it doesnt matter a bit. This is what is wrong with the world. People are selfish. People only care about themselves, and getting what they want, and doing for themselves.

Why do I worry so much, and care so much, when it doesnt matter?        

Human beings are scum.

And I care about scum apparently. 

I tend to care more about everything else, and not take care of myself. I want to make everyone happy, when that isnt possible, because someone will always hate me for it, someone will always feel like I am not doing what I should do for them. Someone will always complain. 


Why do I care? 


I really dont know....

But I am in the worst mood right now, and I dont want to be around anyone. So...I wont. Goodnight.

Current Location: Here
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Fleetwood Mac

Ten things you wish you could say to ten different people ( I only did 6)

Daddy: I love you so much, and I know you love me. Sometimes, I know you have a hard time showing your love for me and Maggie, and I do not blame you for anything. You have been a wonderful father to me. Sometimes I wish we were closer, and had the chance to go back and change that. I know you are a busy man, and you always have been. Work is what you are good at, and I know you do it for us. One day I will repay you somehow. I have always wanted to be a "Daddy's Girl". Now that I am grown up, I feel that we may not have some of those chances, but we can still try. I know you worry about me, and what I am going to do with my life. Don't worry, it will fall into place, and I will find my way. I could not do it without you, and your help. You have gotten me this far, and soon you will have to let me go on my own. I dread that day, I am scared to death, but I will make you proud. I love you Daddy.

Mommy: You have been the best mother anyone could ask for. You never worked when we were growing up. And I am glad, because you were there, everyday. I didn't have to ride the bus like the other kids because you loved me enough to pick me up and take me to school every single day. You cooked for me and took care of me all the time, you made sure I knew about God and how important He is for my life. You raised me right, you did a good job, even if sometimes I stray from what you taught me. You understand me in a way no one else can, and you talk to me when I need someone to talk to. I love you so much, and even if we fight, and sometimes I wish you would treat me like an adult instead of a child, I am glad to have you as my mother. No matter what, I will love you. People mess up, and I know I have, but I hope one day I can make you proud. I love you so much.

Maggie: You are an awesome little sister. I know we grew up fighting all the time, and I was a total bitch to you a lot, but I do love you. I love you so much. I worry about you all the time, and I think about you at least once a day, and wonder what you are doing. I want you to be happy, more than anything. I want you to make it through Highschool, and do something awesome. You are so talented in ways that I could never be. You are smart, and so beautiful. I wish I had your fashion sense, you always look good, and your hair is so cool. I wish we had been closer when i lived at home, but I am really glad we are closer now. I hope you know that you can come to me for anything, no matter what it is. I will listen and do my best to help. You mean so much to me, and I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you. I know you suffer from some of the same things I did when I was your age, and if i could, I would take that all away and be a shield for you. I love you so much.

Tripp: I am so in love with you. Sometimes I feel like I might explode with emotions for you. You have been the best boyfriend and lover I could EVER ask for. There isn't a soul in the universe I would rather be with. I can't believe I found you, I am so happy with you that it hurts sometimes. Sometimes I just sit, and think about how much I love you. I don't know that anyone can love a person more than I love you. You have been here for me these 6 months like no one else has. You have seen me at my worst, and you still love me. You stay with me even through all of the psychological crap I go through. You have been there for me through times when no one else wanted to be around me. You stuck by me. You help me feel better when I am sick, or sad. You take care of me, and you grow with me. I never want to lose you, and I will do anything in my power to keep you. You are my world, and I never want that to change. I love you so much, and I will do anything for you.

Jessi: You have been such a good friend to me. You know me better than even my family does. You have stuck by me through everything I have been through, all the guys who treated me like shit, all the drunken parties, all the fights, and everything. You were the one who was there, you are my best friend. I miss living with you, and I am so happy for you. You have so much talent, and you have made a way for yourself in the world. I am so glad for you, and I hope one day I can do the same. I love you!

Ma-ma- I miss you so much Ma-ma. You were the best great grandmother. You lived such a full life, and I hope one day I can feel as fullfilled as you did before you died. You were ready for the Lord to take you, you were not afraid. I am so glad you are in a better place now, with no pain and no sickness. Even though I am happy, I am also heartbroken. I wish I had gotten to see you more often. I missed our checkers games, and jigsaw puzzles. And your stories were so amazing. You loved the Lord so much. You remimbered all of the books of the bible in order all the way up until the day you died. You were an inspiration to our whole family. You cared so much about everyone, that even when you were in terrible pain, you asked us how we were doing before anything else. You never complained about anything, and your main concern was family. You were an amazing woman, and I miss you so much.

Nine things about yourself.
1) I do everything with my heart.
2) I am opinionated.

3) I am extremely emotional

4) I can be vindictive, if I feel the need.
5) I love with my whole self.
6) I care more about people than myself
7) I am pro-choice

8) I don’t really like myself much
9) I love making people happy

Eight ways to win your heart.
1) Be honest
2) Have a sense of humor
3) Be there
4) Try to understand when I am going through something
5) Spend time with me
6) Do the little things  
7) Know who I am and love me just the same
8) Let me be me

Seven things that cross your mind a lot
1) My mental health
2) Love
3) Food
4) My family
5) What to do with my life

6) Tripp
7) My physical health

Six things you wish you never did
1) Dated John, but I am stronger for it
2) Let myself be used
3) Watched 30 Days of Night

4) Let myself hate myself
5) Tried to go off of my meds
6) Tried to kill myself

Five turn offs
1) Ignorance
2) Closed mindedness
3) Ego
4) Stubbornness
5) Lack of empathy

Four turn ons
1) Glasses (I am weird)
2) Romance
3) Suprises
4) Intelligence

Three smileys that describe your life
;)
>:O
:D

Two things you want to do before you die
1) Be successful
2) Let go

One confession
I let things bother me too much.

Current Location: Hell in my head
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: The shit in my head

I am a basket case tonight. I have cried for and hour and a half and just now stopped. Over what you ask? Nothing that was worth crying that long for.

I am so stupid. And I will not forget my meds again. That is for damn sure.

Peace 

Current Location: Apartment
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Radio

So Thanksgiving was pretty good. Tons of food and such. My Nana and Papa came, and Grandma and Bill and Billy, and Angela and....oh wait...no one really knows theses people.

Well like 11 people were there. I made Sweet Potato Cheesecake, it was pretty good. I love food. lol. I ate so much, and I was so freaking tired the rest of the day. I passed out on the couch after watching Nightmare Before Christmas for probably the 1000th time.

So, the next couple of weeks are going to suck ass. Here is my To-Do list.


Science Project- Due Nov 26
Psychology HW #5- Due Nov 30
Annotated Bibilography- Due Dec 3 by 5pm
Hiter Final Paper worth 50% of my grade- Due Dec 4 by 10am
Study for Science Final
Study for Psychology Final


So there we are.

Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: Disturbed

The next person who raises thier voice to me gets a bloody nose.

I am not joking.


That is all.

Current Location: My place
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: Timbaland

Warning: This is a rant. Something I feel strongly about. If it offends you, that's your problem. I don't want to get a whole bunch of hate mail because you don't like what I am saying. It's a rant, it's not nice. Deal with it.






How many places have you seen that have some sort of sign saying